Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
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[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.