Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
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Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!