My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
You Might Also Like
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
I’m aging like a fine banana
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.