My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
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Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Lucky old June.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”