Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
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JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.