did it work
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MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Food gives you energy to nap more.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
This probably isn’t good
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.