A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
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I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.