On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
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Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Bill is short for Billiam
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?