*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
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Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
.
.
.
.
.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.