Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
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“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )