I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
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My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”