I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
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the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
it’s the silliest best thing
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”