Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
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a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Sounds about right! 💯
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Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.