alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
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Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
X-tra spooky blend
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”