Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
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toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
For the orator and chef in all of us
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.