*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
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I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?