My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
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Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.