Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
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911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today