I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
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Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?