You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
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Put a ring on it
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
That’s easy for you to say
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.