if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
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me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
How wrong was this guy?
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️