My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
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So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
He took my last fry, your honor
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
There is no try. There is only give up.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
hi why am I like this