A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
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“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
It was worth a shot 😂
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.