I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
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Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.