Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
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2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.