ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
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Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.