ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
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“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that