And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
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I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Bartenders are just boneless bars
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows