“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
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That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*