SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
You Might Also Like
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*