(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
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[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I did not eat the cake…
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
fair
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual