I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
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Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.