“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
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There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?