it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
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[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.