Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
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My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning