My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
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How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
iPhone X
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever