How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
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wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
I am having an out of money experience.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner