*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
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HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
oh u like history? name everything that happened
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.