At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
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After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt