My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
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Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
Donating blood today to make room for more food
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭