I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
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my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
I was bored.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.