When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
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I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily