I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
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A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Who knew!
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.