[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
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Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
want me to check your oil?
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
You know…for fall…
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.