When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
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[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music