If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
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What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
My favorite type of men is ramen.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”