You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
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In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Good news
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.