Me driving through Toronto
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Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*