Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
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Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Most fashion shows these days…
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.