Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
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My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
i love meeting boys on tinder
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
mathematically impossible
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”